Freaky Fridays

Freaky Fridays

Well, we’ve made it through another week… Hopefully, I’ll end it for you with a chuckle… Happy Friday!

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Men vs. Women

NICKNAMES

* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

* The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man always forget his mistakes. He figures there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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Freaky Fridays

Freaky Fridays…

Disclaimer…. As a government worker, I do take offence to this joke…….

But damn, it is funny!

Enjoy!

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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He says, “Yes, just caffeine.”

“Have you ever been in the military?” the interviewer asks.

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. But don’t worry, we’ll still pay you from 8am.”

The new hire is puzzled and says “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

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Freaky Fridays

Freaky Fridays…

My step-sister sends me some of the funniest jokes…..Love her!

Enjoy!

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Grandma Still Drives —Priceless

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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Freaky Fridays

Freaky Fridays…

This one isn’t really a joke…. It’s more like a late Valentine’s Day recipe from me to you.

ENJOY, Ladies.   Sorry, you guys.  Maybe, next time….

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Take the fairy dust:

Sprinkle it on one of these angels:

And POOF!!!!!!

He’s good luck because he probably made you smile.

When you are fininshed looking up his loincloth,

(You just looked again)

Try to have a great day!

If you haven’t had enough eye candy…

come on over to Tabby’s Nocturnal Nights
for my take on what makes a hero….

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Freaky Fridays

Freaky Fridays…

I know, I know… Everyone claims to hate blonde jokes. But aren’t they like a train wreck?  You don’t want to look–er–read, but yet, you can’t help not to… Enjoy…

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego ?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. “What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde, “but we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

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Freaky Fridays

Freaky Fridays…

When I heard this one, I laughed my ass off……

I just had to go write it up and post it here for all of you.  Happy Friday, Everyone!

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This morning I walked into the kitchen to find my wife breaking eggs into a frying pan. I was about to complain about her stealing my favorite T-shirt, when she turned and strode over to me, grabbed me by the shirt front and demanded, “I need you to make love to me NOW!”

I was a little surprised, but I figured I’m more than up for it. And after 20 years of marriage a man gets it whenever he can.

I turned her around and pushed her down on to the table.

And we made wild, passionate love right there on the table.

As soon as I gave her one last kiss, she hopped off the table and immediately went back to the stove. My favorite shirt still up around her neck.

As I got myself back together, I asked, “Honey, don’t take this the wrong way… Because that was HOT, but I’m a little puzzled.  Is there a reason you wanted to have sex right now.”

She turned with a plate of eggs in each hand and said with a smile,

 

“Yeah, the egg timer’s broken.”

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